First off, yes I am alive and well-ish. Had a minor hip surgery last week so I’m on the mend. Other than that, life is great and I can’t complain. 🙂
Last night as I lay in bed, I tossed and turned for a solid two hours before I finally fell asleep. Most nights I have no trouble falling asleep, but last night my mind would not turn off. Most of my thoughts swirled around this blog and what I have/haven’t done with it since I started it earlier this year. I reflected on how excited I was when I came up with the name, the concept, the layout and all the blog ideas that I couldn’t wait to write about. But as I got deeper into it, I started to realize that blogging in today’s world was HARD and time consuming. Most of my posts were taking me 3-4 hours to perfect before I would be ok with hitting the publish button. I realize 3-4 hours may not seem like alot, but on top of a full time job working 45-5o hours a week, trying to get to the gym every day, cooking, cleaning, etc., the blog started to feel like a chore on top of my already long list of things I need to do. Especially when I started to compare myself to other bloggers (mistake 1) and see how they were posting once a day, sometimes more. Doing the math in my head I realized this would add on another 25-30 hours of work a week for me to even try and get on that level. The thought of it was exhausting and discouraging; and brought me more stress than joy. What was it all for really? A question I don’t know the answer to.
When I was in college, I took an Intro to Creative Writing Class my sophomore year (because I heard the teacher was good looking and the class was easy). Little did I know, that class would open my eyes to my passion for writing and ultimately lead me to the decision to add on a minor in Creative Writing. And yes, that teacher was super cool and good looking. 🙂 I still keep in touch with him on Facebook and follow along as he continues to publish books and short stories. What a cool life right? Getting paid to put your thoughts on paper and share them with the world. When I graduated college and abandoned my original plan of going to law school (sorry mom and dad), I contemplated going to grad school to get my Masters in Creative Writing. Looking back this was probably just to delay jumping in to the real world because I’m not really sure what I would have done with that Masters other than become a creative writing professor. No thanks. Back to the point of this paragraph…when I started writing in college, it was fun. I enjoyed the entire process of coming up with a story, characters, or basing my stories about my own life and experiences. I wrote for the Virginia Tech newspaper, I got published in some online literary magazines, and I had a blog called “My Piece of Mind” that I wrote in pretty regularly from 2009-2010. I wasn’t really thinking about what topic I should write about next, or how many likes my posts were going to get. I wrote because I had a passion for it. It made me feel good. And sure, if someone left me a comment or acknowledged that they liked what I wrote, that was nice too, but not expected. In the end, if I was happy with what I wrote that day, then nothing else really mattered. A majority of my blogs were about me; my life and the adventures or obstacles that I had faced that day/week. It was personal, REAL, and from the heart.
Which brings me to today and the present. The reality is– EVERYONE has a blog. Everyone is an “expert” on foods, fashion trends, fitness, healthy living, make up, cocktail making, and every other topic in between. I honestly can’t get on social media anymore with out seeing someone’s blog pop up in a post about how I have to read this if I want to know what I’m doing wrong with my eye liner, or how to have the best Sunday Funday ever, and why I can’t lose those last stubborn pounds. So what do we (I) do? We click the link because, well, we NEED to know. Otherwise how can we even Sunday Funday at all? In all seriousness, I’m not trying to hate on what today’s blogs have become. I wrote a post a few months ago about the best places to brunch, wearing a shirt that says Sunday on it for goodness sake. Basic, I know. I guess my point is– I don’t know what I want to write about anymore. Hence, why I haven’t written in months. Writing about the best place to get tacos, while fun and delicious, just seems so surface level to me. I just keep thinking, there has GOT to be something better I can write about. I’m not an expert in anything really…other than how to completely waste 8 hours of your life watching Netflix and how to not wash your hair for 5 days thanks to a really good dry shampoo. And I’m perfectly OK with that. But I’m not OK with writing any future content on this blog that doesn’t come from my heart.
When I compare my college writing self to me today, the difference is clear. I’ve strayed away from writing real, honest stuff and replaced it with writing stuff that I think people will like or that might get me noticed by someone on Instagram or Facebook. At one point I genuinely thought that some company would see my Wardlando blog and say, “Hey, you’re a great writer and I want to pay you to write your blog full time.”Realistic, I know. It’s that whole idea in today’s world that if we post the perfect picture, with the right filter, the right caption, the right hashtags, etc., that our lives must be just as perfect as the picture is and we must have our shit together. But the truth is, sometimes those perfect pictures are just a front to cover up the messy, sometimes sad, hard times that we go through in life. I mean really, aren’t we all just looking for someone we can relate to? Someone who says hey, this is me and I don’t have it all together or know what I’m doing with my life and that’s okay. So then we can sigh and think, wow, I thought I was the only one who felt that way. What a relief to know that there is someone else out there who isn’t perfect either!
To be honest, I don’t know when I’ll write again in this blog. At least not until I fully flesh out what I want it to be going forward. Writing this post is a start in the right direction I think. I know what I no longer care to write about. I know that if I choose to write again, it will be because I feel compelled to put words on a page to share a story. And maybe that story will touch someone, help someone, even if I never know about it.